Black Employees Board Up Break Room Against Ravenous Horde Of White Coworkers Reaching To Touch Their Hair

ITHACA, NY—Barricading themselves for safety against an onslaught of seemingly brain-dead colleagues with outstretched hands, Black employees at Steerforth Industries reportedly boarded up their break room Friday against a ravenous horde of white coworkers reaching to touch their hair. “Braiiiiids, braiiiiiids!” moaned the insatiable white coworkers, who punched through walls and windows in their attempt to feel whether their fellow employees’ African hair felt as soft as it looked. “Let us touuchh! Isss itt naturalll??? I wish I could have hair like thisss!” At press time, sources confirmed the Black employees had stopped stacking office furniture against the door after realizing they could distract their white coworkers by simply grabbing a laptop and queuing up an episode of Ted Lasso.