Biologists Discover Roots Of Washington Monument Have Spread Over 400 Feet Underground

WASHINGTON—Calling it one of the world’s largest living organisms, biologists from Georgetown University discovered Thursday that the roots of the Washington Monument have spread over 400 feet underground. “It appears that since first being planted, the root structure of the Monument has grown far beyond its original site and now threatens nearby structures across the National Mall,” said researcher Jana Fielding, who claims the root system has spread to cover such a large portion of the nation’s capital in order to absorb as much moisture as possible in the hot D.C. climate. “Frankly, an invasive monument like this never should have been brought to Washington. It’s choking off the Jefferson Memorial’s root system, and if we don’t act quickly, we’re going to see some serious property damage on 14th Street. Of course, we can try shaving away the sides of the Memorial to lower its watering needs. But if that doesn’t work we may have to cut it down completely.” At press time, environmental activists had chained themselves around the base of the Monument to protest any potential government tampering.