Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out of fuel along the side of the road, they will still be able to make it to the next gas station,” said Biden, adding that the red five-gallon jug should ease the concerns of the millions of travelers who would visit family over Thanksgiving and grow nervous as they suddenly noticed their gas gauges approaching empty. “What’s more, we are currently in talks with top oil-producing countries, including Canada, China, and the OPEC nations, to join in a coordinated global effort that would release up to 20 additional gallons of gas. That means four more cans just like this one, a supply we hope will help keep prices down at the pump through the rest of the holiday season.” At press time, West Wing officials were reportedly in damage control mode after a local news crew captured footage of the president siphoning gas from the tank of a Chevy Van parked along Pennsylvania Avenue.