WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly “badass” tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
Biden, who called an emergency press conference at the White House Saturday, said members of the U.S. armed forces who sacrificed their lives in the service of their country deserved a death-defying stunt that involves clearing the 246-foot-long monument on a “souped-up” Harley-Davidson XR-750.
“There’s no better way to pay homage to our fallen brothers than by letting it rip, hitting that ramp at full fucking blast, and flying through the sky high above the Vietnam Memorial,” said Biden, noting that he also plans to execute a midair salute by placing his fingers around his mouth in a V shape and rapidly flicking his tongue. “If I grease the landing and ragdoll across the Constitution Gardens, so be it. I’ve had my share of spills.”
“Ain’t like I haven’t broken a few bones or fractured my skull a couple times, either,” the vice president added.
Biden told reporters he has spent all his free time over the past two weeks preparing for the perilous feat by tuning up his bike, overseeing construction of the plywood ramps, and personally installing a “bitchin’” sound system that will blast a to-be-determined John Mellencamp song from 20 different speakers during the jump.
The vice president said that to properly commemorate the bravery of America’s fallen service members, he will also ride the motorcycle through a massive banner reading “All gave some, some gave all,” which will be held in place by “a couple of hot numbers in bikinis” whom the vice president reportedly met during a recent trip to a D.C.-area Texas Roadhouse location.
After urging members of the media not to miss out because the performance is going to be “the shit,” Biden spoke at length about modifications he has made to the bike to ensure he gets “big-time air.”
“Get ready, hombres—I slapped a thousand cc’s of muscle on this baby and they’re gonna hear it roar from here to the Pentagon,” the vice president said. “Plus I added an extra 80 horsepower with a sweet supercharger, ’cause if you’re gonna honor our boys, you’ve gotta do it right.”
“Even got a custom-built POW-MIA flag that will be flying from the back of my hog as I’m soaring overhead,” Biden continued.
In response to numerous questions about the risk of injury, Biden assured the White House press corps that a safety crew equipped with fire extinguishers will be on hand to quickly douse any flames on his body in the event of a crash. The vice president also claimed that should an accident occur, he probably wouldn’t feel anything, because he intended to get “fairly tanked” before performing the jump.
“Anyway, I’ll have a helmet on, and of course I’ll be wearing my star-spangled red, white, and blue leather jumpsuit,” Biden said. “It zips down real low, and I plan to keep it open. The ladies can follow the treasure trail to a little patch action.”
Although this is the vice president’s most ambitious jump to date, in 2010 he honored the troops on Veteran’s Day by vaulting over 14 tombstones at Arlington National Cemetery, but then “ate it” on the 15th grave, spending two weeks in a coma.
As of press time, the six-term Delaware senator was reportedly spotted popping wheelies and doing burnouts on the National Mall.
