Biden Names Career Diplomat To Serve As White House Pet

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nomination would receive bipartisan approval from the Senate, sources inside the White House confirmed Thursday that Biden has tapped career diplomat Nicholas Burns to serve in his administration as White House pet. “Today, President Joe Biden announced his intent to nominate 27-year U.S. Foreign Service veteran Nicholas Burns to fill the vacancy left behind by the early removal of Major Biden from the post of White House pet,” read a White House press release in part, citing Burns’ stint as foreign policy advisor to Biden’s presidential campaign as evidence that he was extremely well-behaved on long car rides and has already built a rapport with future colleague Champ. “President Biden is certain that Burns’ experience as undersecretary of state for political affairs from 2005 to 2008 will allow a seamless return to the White House in this new capacity, where his responsibilities will include entertaining the first family’s grandchildren, receiving numerous belly rubs, and doing business in the White House rose garden. As U.S. ambassador to NATO for President George W. Bush and to Greece for President Bill Clinton, Burns has a long history of greeting strangers cordially, never once biting anyone on the job, and is capable of understanding basic commands like sit, stay, and fetch in English, French, Arabic, and Greek. Working under presidents of both parties ensures Burns’ nomination will be swiftly approved, as the Senate is already well-aware that he’s a very good boy.” At press time, the White House announced that even though he answers to Nicholas Burns, the family was strongly considering changing his name to either Pippy or Pal.