Biden Disappointed After Waking Up To Discover Taliban Still There

CAMP DAVID, MD—Waking up and rolling over in bed to reach for his morning paper, President Joe Biden reportedly expressed disappointment Tuesday after he read through the front pages and discovered the Taliban had not simply disappeared from Afghanistan overnight. “Damn it, why can’t they just go away?” said the visibly groggy president, rubbing his eyes as he read that the Taliban fighters who had retaken Afghanistan had not, as he hoped, changed their mind about seizing power from the American-backed government. “I figured there was a chance they would voluntarily surrender while I slept, or that the remains of the Afghan forces would somehow rise up and wrest back control—but nope. Looks like at least one more news cycle of AK-47-toting radicals giving press conferences and occupying former American military installations. Well, I guess I’ll keep the TV turned off and check back this afternoon. Surely this thing will work itself out soon.” According to revised U.S. intelligence estimates, the Taliban could remain a viable force in Afghanistan all the way through next week.