‘Bang, Bang,’ Bored White House Sniper Whispers To Self With Random Tourist’s Head In Crosshairs

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to pass the time while perched atop the White House roof, bored Secret Service sniper Michael Flynn centered his rifle’s crosshairs on a random tourist’s forehead Friday and softly whispered “bang, bang” to himself, sources reported. “We have an active situation—attempting to neutralize threats immediately,” Flynn silently mouthed into his headset microphone while pretending to take down a series of imaginary attackers, including a woman on a bicycle, a White House tour guide, and a family of four posing for photos in front of the North Lawn fountain. “Area secured. The president is safe. That was a close one.” At press time, Flynn was reportedly imagining calling in emergency air support to take out a bus full of sixth-graders on a school field trip.