Badminton World Rocked By Worst Scandal Since Dad Tapped Aunt Carla's Ass With Racket

LONDON—The entire badminton world remained in a state of shock Thursday following the disqualification of eight athletes from the 2012 Olympics for allegedly throwing their matches, an incident experts are calling the sport’s highest profile scandal since Dad lightly swatted Aunt Carla’s ass with his racket during last year’s family get-together at Uncle Rob’s house. “The shameful actions of these four teams, including the world’s No. 1 women’s pair, are a stain on the sport the likes of which we haven’t seen since Labor Day, when Dad had a few Rolling Rocks and tapped his sister-in-law on her ass right there in front of everyone,” said Badminton World Federation head Thomas Lund, referring to the incident that was said to have been accompanied by a congratulatory “Atta girl” after Aunt Carla successfully served the birdie. “To preserve the integrity of the sport, we will take immediate disciplinary measures against these players in much the same way Mom did when she made Dad switch teams and play on the other side of the net.” Badminton officials agreed, however, that the ongoing scandal still paled in comparison to the devastating black-eye the sport received back on July 4, 2008, when Cousin Kevin pressed the webbing of a Sportcraft racket onto his face, leaving his entire cheek and forehead temporarily covered in small red squares.