Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:
Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby
If your baby starts to choke, don’t help; allowing the infant to cough up the blockage “all-by-myself” will help tremendously in the development of his or her self-esteem
Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use
Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, “Are you okay, baby?!”
Babies love to play; grasp baby by ankles and, with a quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor
Tired of your baby’s fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply a hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side
Baby carriers are a needless expense; try a metal pail instead
Your newborn’s tiny fingers and toes look so cute that you may want to just nibble them right off, but don’t— fingers and toes do not grow back
When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box
Car safety is an important, all-too-often overlooked facet of infant care; when securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with a cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed
When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun “it”
Develop your baby’s hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands in his or her face; in time, the child will learn to block them
