Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon

WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph was not as qualified as the rest of the crew, and only got the connection through his extremely powerful and influential father, who is an 81-quintillion-ton natural satellite that orbits earth,” said NASA Captain Trevor Anderson, adding that every other crew member had either been a doctor, a fighter pilot, or an air force commander, but Mesic’s only qualification was that he had a family connection to the moon. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s definitely talented, but it’s pretty unfair that he just gets to cut the line because his daddy is a big rock that lives in space. I spent decades training for this, but suddenly the moon’s son just waltzes in and gets to go to space? Too bad my dad wasn’t a high-ranking member of the solar system.” At press time, Anderson could not be reached for comment, as an internal investigation discovered he had only been promoted to captain after having a years-long romantic relationship with Jupiter.