This week, the Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, bringing the question of legalizing gay marriage to the national forefront. Here are the cases made by same-sex marriage advocates and opponents:
ARGUMENTS FOR GAY MARRIAGE:
Always fun to piss off really religious people
Little lesbian girls around the country would one day get to live their dream of standing together in front of a county clerk’s office employee and working through the bureaucracy to obtain a marriage license
Straight couples could finally unload their unused fondue sets from their marriages
Just to see the look on Rick Perry’s dumb fucking face
Every citizen should have the right to have their special day where young and old alike can awkwardly dance to the “Cha Cha Slide”
The two women from the popular Internet video “Asian and Black Chick Lesbians Dildo Fuck SO HOT Squirting Bitch” could finally get married
Gay wedding episode of Modern Family will help ABC take a big victory in the 18-to-49 demo
Bestowing dignity upon a wrongfully oppressed minority just a nice thing to do
ARGUMENTS AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE:
Leviticus 18:22, Deuteronomy 23:17, Romans 1:26
Could further weaken traditional American values like prejudice, intolerance, and hatred
Nation running out of citizens to make second-class
Love is a cruel, vicious demoness no man should have thrust upon his person
Would successfully prevent the erosion of the immaculate, utterly flawless American family
Everything on registry too expensive
Runs against article of U.S. Constitution explicitly barring homosexual marriage
If we let gays marry, what’s to stop people from marrying animals or trees or tables? …Okay, we know this is pretty stupid, but we really needed some more things to fill out this side of the list
