Apple Unveils Single Colossal iPhone All Americans Can Use At Once

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a resolution of 1.88×109 by 4.47×109, the new iPhone X Continental is large enough for every American to get their multitasking needs done simultaneously,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference, noting that while the iPhone X Continental’s state-of-the-art OLED coast-to-coast Retina display can support the use of over 2.6 billion apps at the same time, the device still boasts a 13-hour battery life, is capable of wireless charging, and does away with the headphone jack in favor of a more streamlined Bluetooth experience. “With a patented, secure TrueDepth sensor system programmed to recognize all 324 million Americans’ Face IDs to an 800 billion–pixel camera capable of taking crisp panoramic close-ups of the Rocky mountains, the iPhone X Continental sets a new benchmark for landmass-spanning personal devices. Its 256 terabytes of storage are enough for all Americans’ photos and videos, and the iOS 12 operating system lets users access news and messages with a simple, intuitive 800-mile swipe of the screen. We’re confident all of our customers will love using it together.” At press time, Apple had initiated a recall of the iPhone after its screen shattered into more than 13 million pieces, killing 400.