Annoyed Shohei Ohtani Had Hoped U.S. Baseball Players Wouldn’t Be This Bad

ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels, I thought I’d have to push myself to compete at the next level, but this has all been way too easy,” said the 23-year-old after a dominant performance on the mound and the batter’s box, adding that his new peers were hardly a step up from the lowly Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. “At first, I thought the guys were just messing with me, but when I homered three times in three days and took a perfect game into the seventh inning the day after that, well…Turns out I’m just better than everyone else. This honestly wasn’t even worth the money.” Reporters confirmed Ohtani seemed bored and listless throughout the interview, answering questions while tossing 94 mile-per-hour warm-up pitches in the bullpen with his off hand.