Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder substance has at last been approved by the FDA, and is now on supermarket shelves: “Olean.” This exciting new substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit.
Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. Just imagine, you pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. You heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV, lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, Double Stuf Oreos and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate our revolutionary food breakthrough in the manner which befits your disgusting existence—by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.
I’m not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses about their body images. I’m just talking to you, fatties.
Does Olean have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, and uncontrollable diarrhea, just to name a few. That’s right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like, oafish legs. But what do you care? What’s one or two more repulsive personal traits to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they’re Tic Tacs, you blimps.
Does it sound like I’m insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you’ll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control.
You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olean? Eat a balanced diet? Walk to places instead of drive? Sound horrific? I’d better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your “I got so fat I’m going to die” medication.
Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olean, thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Ha! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of The Market. Long live The Market! Long live fatties!
—Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.Chief Food ScientistOlean Development Team
The preceding letter is an advertorial. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Onion.
