According to a new study by the U.S. Geological Survey, nearly half of all U.S. drinking water is laced with PFAS, or “forever chemicals.” The Onion asked Americans how they felt about potentially drinking per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances, and this is what they said.
Tamika Rhodes, Artist
“People should accept the risks when they do something as reckless as getting a glass of water.”
Janice Bain, Construction Worker
“Thankfully, you can purify a glass of water by just mixing in a cup of bleach.”
Ryan Patterson, Call Center Operator
“You mean I’ve been wasting all this money drinking bottles of perfluorooctanoic sulfonic acid when I could be getting it for free from my sink?”
James Quincey, CEO Of Coca-Cola
“If you want a refreshing drink with fewer chemicals than water, try Coke Zero.”
Kenna Buell, Professor
“There’s no scientific evidence that dying is bad.”
Craig Lenini, UX Writer
“It’s totally safe. Try drowning in water that thick. You can’t!”
Karl Worthington, Copywriter
“So that’s why my shower catches fire.”
Mitchell Fox, Fast Food Manager
“At least it’s not in anything we drink.”
Michael S. Regan, Administrator Of The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency
“Legally, the EPA can only recommend that Americans who want to avoid PFAS kill themselves.”
Rick Scott, U.S. Senator From
“I’m already drafting a bill that gives personhood to forever chemicals inside of women.”
Jim Stanton, Factory Supervisor
“If you’re not supposed to dump toxic chemicals into the waterways, then why does it feel so good?”
Kyle Kimball, Researcher
“It’s actually kind of hyperbolic to refer to it as ‘water.’”
Lorraine Cabot, Accountant
“I don’t cook or wear makeup, so having it in the water supply is the best way for me to get my recommended daily dose of polyfluoroalkyl.”
Matthew Hart, Chef
“Let’s just be thankful our country has sufficient infrastructure to bring us our poisoned water.”
Xavier Becerra, U.S. Secretary Of Health And Human Services
“Don’t worry, there’s plenty of other shit in our food that’s going to kill you before this does.”
Emmett Troxler, Economist
“Market forces will balance out consumers’ desire for water and desire to not have cancer.”
Cody Jenkins, Miner
“My daddy drank polyfluoroalkyl substances, and his daddy before him drank polyfluoroalkyl substances, and my grandchildren will damn sure drink polyfluoroalkyl substances.”
Ivan Hemmings, Farmer
“I already have lymphoma from the Roundup. What is the water gonna do—give my cancer cancer?”
