Former president Donald Trump was booked at Fulton County Jail and was listed at a 6’3″ and a dubious 215 pounds. The Onion asked Americans to guess Trump’s weight, and this is what they said.
Derek Peterman, Cashier
“Trump looks like he’s between 11 ounces and 2,000 pounds, so 215 seems pretty close.”
Justin Iglesias, Army Veteran
“Zero pounds. Angels are weightless.”
Frank Barnes, Woodworker
“It’s impolite to talk about a former president’s weight.”
Salvador Gutierez, Dentist
“575,250 jelly beans.”
Melania Trump, Homemaker
“He’s 400 pounds, but a lot of that is pus weight.”
Thurston Wesley, Florist
“7 pounds, 4 ounces, exactly like it was at his birth.”
Martha Kaydor, Consultant
“He’s gotta be about 280 pounds with all that rock hard flab.”
Rachael Ray, Celebrity Chef
“Two heaping tablespoons.”
Camilla Genovese, Retired
“I don’t know, but not enough! He’s so thin, just skin and bones. Here, I’ll heat him up some leftover chicken parm.”
Pete Miller, Butcher
“He’s equivalent to about 300 1-pound packages of festering ground beef.”
Marcus Williams, Butcher
“I realize that he’s bulging in some places but that’s just because his body is filled with spiders and those things are so light that they can walk along a web without breaking it. 115 pounds is my final answer.”
Lester Knox, Fast Food Worker
“I lost count at 261.”
Alaina Williams, Brand Manager
“Perfect just the way he is.”
Angelika Graham, Nonprofit Fundraising
“Eighty cubits, which is to say 500 fathoms. Twenty corgees, 6 poods, 96 grzywanas, or one great big munjandie.”
Margaret Howell, Homemaker
“Fatter than my sister-in-law but not fatter than my mother-in-law.”
John Ackhurst, Roofer
“They say muscle weighs more than fat, so he’s probably about two pounds.”
Flub Dederdam, Mortician
“I would tell you, but he’s resisted every effort I’ve made to approach him in public and lift him up.”
Sean Hannity, Television Broadcaster
“He’s about 225 lickable num num nums.”
Jared Olson, Bartender
“One nipple weighs 3 oz. And Trump has 800 nipples. How much does that equal in pounds?”
Dan Mott, Startup Founder
“Trump has more fat, pound for pound, in his little finger than many people have in their whole body.”
Heather Tezuka, Intern
“Who cares? Even Jesus was overweight.”
Sasha Begonia, Chef
“I would put him at 250 pounds of mouthwatering marbled fat, perfect for a day of slow-roasting in a stew or goulash with carrots, mushrooms, a few sprigs of thyme, and a dash or two or red wine to really brighten things.”
Donald Trump, Former President
“I’m going to make myself throw up until I’m pretty again.”
