Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.
Mel Mickelson (Executioner)
“I didn’t go through eight years of execution school, a prison residency, and lever-pulling training to work in a different field.”
Eric DiStefano (Tennis Coach)
“Born into the vicious cycle of abject poverty, crushed under the boot of structural and state-sanctioned racism, convicted wrongly of a crime, euthanized without the chance of appeal? That’s the American Dream.”
Kay Ivey (Governor of Alabama)
“Calling off an execution with minutes to spare is the only time they let me use the big red phone.”
Samantha Rojas (Social Worker)
“I have a friend who was killed on death row and he turned out just fine.”
Eleanor Parsons (Serf)
“In our miserable lives of tillin’ m’lord’s fields, we ain’t got much else to look forward to other than a good hangin’ in the town square.”
Samuel Alito (U.S. Supreme Court Justice)
“It’s hilarious.”
Mary Carver (Veterinarian)
“It’s heartbreaking, but you can’t find a forever home for every prisoner.”
Spencer Burns (Police Officer)
“Sometimes people survive getting shot.”
Javier Patterson (Model)
“It sends a message to alive people that they can be dead people.”
Humza Rashid (Physician)
“Inmates choosing their last meal might be the only way they can get proper nutrition in prison.”
Susan Sarandon
“Without it, I never would have won an academy award.”
Darryl Gibbs (Real Estate Agent)
“If it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me.”
Jared Peters (Digital Ad Salesman)
“There’s nothing more thrilling than watching an innocent man be put to death for a crime I secretly committed.”
Seth Tabor (Small
“How else am I supposed to keep my pancuronium bromide store in business?”
Carla Robbins (Nanny)
“I’m down with anything that coarsens our society in general.”
Naomi Lewis (Data Analyst)
“Not all prisoners are good at forced labor.”
Mac Turner (Gas Station Attendant)
“There are some real sickos out there. There are some fake sickos, too, so hopefully you can figure that out before you kill them.”
Andrew Bell (Teacher)
“It acts as a deterrent for people who rationally weigh the pros and cons of going on a murder spree.”
Tammy Wilson (Chef)
“What else are we supposed to do with all these electric chairs?”
