Following her controversial testimony last week at a congressional hearing on campus antisemitism, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Harvard University’s president should resign, and this is what they said.
Tommy Kelm, Web Developer
“She could snag that new open position at Penn.”
Max Hollowell, Electrician
“Antisemitism should never be tolerated outside of government, business, and casual everyday interactions.”
Steven Nyland, Botanist
“Her job is to cultivate a safe environment for all the future war criminals and financial fraudsters who attend Harvard, no matter their race or religion.”
Will Fletcher, Lawyer
“I just don’t like higher institutions of learning in general, and this is one surefire way to destabilize them.”
Eric Trendell, Militia Leader
“For apologizing.”
Jendra Wolery, Flight Attendant
“I’m hazy on the details, but I hate her either because she’s Jewish or because she’s antisemitic.”
Colin Prewitt, Unemployed
“That fucking snake didn’t ratify my tenure.”
Tara Dye, Harvard Student
“The chicken tenders in the dining hall suck.”
Justin Weightman, Small Business Owner
“I don’t give a shit about antisemitism, but I’ve always believed a woman should be home with her children.”
Ryan Roslansky, LinkedIn CEO
“When she does, LinkedIn will be there.”
Brandon Carter, Architect
“Social media has destroyed my mind to the extent that I’m totally unequipped to answer this in a nuanced way. So I’m basically just going to mail someone a bomb and be done with it.”
Charmaine Baird, Risk Analyst
“I don’t like her glasses.”
Roger Walker, Unemployed
“Damn, I applied for that job years ago but haven’t heard back. Does that mean they went with someone else?”
John Harvard, Founder
“If you ask me, I think the school has been going downhill ever since automobiles were invented.”
Andrew Schumacher, Computer Systems Analyst
“Because Trump won the Harvard election fair and square.”
Alice Johnson, Pediatrician
“Resigning now sends a strong message that she is both antisemitic and has no spine.”
John Legend, Singer
“How the hell did you get in here?”
Grace Evans, Environmental Studies Professor
“I’ve heard they usually have a big sundae bar at resignation parties with, like, jimmies and maraschino cherries. Big pile of fluff. Strawberry, chocolate, vanilla ice cream. Little wafers, you can take all you want. Oreo crumbles. Hot fudge. Whipped cream. Fluff. Did I already say that? Also, I heard they have clowns.”
Beth Riesling, Psychiatrist
“Because words matter. Especially these words: I just don’t like her.”
Paul Mannell, Biomedical Engineer
“I want to make Elise Stefanik smile. I just watched that new cult documentary on Netflix, and I now believe she is my twin flame. Elise, if you’re listening, call me. We were meant to be together.”
Max Hobbs, ’80s Jock
“I hate nerds! I wanna pummel them all.”
Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY)
“I lost interest like halfway through the testimony, to be honest. I had AirPods in while my phone played an episode of The Leftovers.”
Tom Wilton, Lawyer
“I’m glad I finally got through to them. I’ve been calling for the Harvard president to resign every day since I was rejected in 1963.”
Sean O’Hara, Customer Service Representative
“Let’s get a real antisemite in there.”
