Embattled first son Hunter Biden has been charged with two tax evasion charges and a felony gun charge. The Onion asked Americans if President Joe Biden should pardon his son if he’s convicted, and this is what they said.
Paul Mauricio, Financial Planner
“Hold on, Fox News told me he already did.”
Pearl Gibbons, Park Ranger
“The Joe Biden I voted for wouldn’t let a nonviolent drug user off that easy.”
Suzanne Perkins, Nurse
“It wasn’t a great sex tape, but I don’t think he should be jailed for it.”
Randy Woods, Audio Engineer
“Only if he gets some quality drugs in return.”
Olivia Wendell, Cartoonist
“Wouldn’t that incentivize more criminals to become Joe Biden’s child?”
Jesse Watters, Fox News Host
“Either way, this is all I’m going to talk about for the next two years.”
Vanessa Peone, Political Strategist
“It would be political suicide to align himself with a Biden.”
Alexandra Lynch, Prison Warden
“Never. Some say that America’s for-profit carceral state is one of the wonders of the modern age. Who is Joe Biden to remove a prisoner from our asset sheet?”
Butch Donaldson, Mechanic
“All he owes his son is a firm handshake when he turns 18. Anything more than that is coddling.”
Donald Trump Jr., Political Commentator
“No, a father who truly loved his son would throw him under the bus, blame all his failures on him, and accidentally call him ‘Eric’ as a way of toughening him up.”
Brian Brown, Electrical Engineer
“What is the point of having a kid if you don’t shower them with special executive branch treatment?”
Angelo Carver, Baker
“Only if he sends Hunter to live out the rest of his days on the pardoned turkey farm afterwards.”
Fred Peterson, Lawyer
“I just really want an opportunity to start saying Burisma again. It’s such a fun word to say. Burisma. Burisma. Burisma.”
Paul Gordon, Bank Manager
“This is going to make all the other prisoners’ dads look like real pieces-of-shit.”
Georgia Xavier, Doctoral Student
“No one cares what I say.”
Ashley Biden, Social Worker
“It’s open season, motherfuckers.”
Mykola Zlochevsky, Owner Of Burisma
Whatever happens, rest assured that Hunter has a job here when this is all over.
