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American Cancer Society Reports Largest-Ever Drop In Cancer Rates

Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer, the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2% drop in cancer from 2016 to 2017, the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930. What do you think?

Moshe Bridges • Airline Chef

“I knew better treatments would one day overpower my complete indifference to my health.”

Moshe Bridges • Airline Chef

Sherrod Crossley • Toxin Identifier

“A few more years like this and I’ll finally feel safe going back to smoking.”

Sherrod Crossley • Toxin Identifier

Hannah Vowell • Jewel Cutter

“It’s 2020 for crying out loud! Americans deserve more modern ways to die.”

Hannah Vowell • Jewel Cutter




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper