PASSAIC, NJ—Cursing under his breath as he saw the slumbering child begin to stir in his rearview mirror, local man Frank Kaminski expressed annoyance Monday after an Amber Alert woke up the abducted 3-year-old napping in his car’s backseat. “Oh God, it took so long to get her to stop yapping about how I wasn’t her mom; then when I do, there’s this stupid buzz and she’s just losing her shit,” said the serial kidnapper, glancing down at his phone to stress that he obviously already knew that the child had auburn hair and was last seen in nearby Clifton. “You think I don’t know she was taken from a 7-Eleven parking lot? I staked out that place for hours waiting for the exact right moment. Also, not for nothing, but it’s a silver 2016 Toyota Camry—not a 2014 model. Christ, you’d hope these people would look into details like that before they blow up everyone’s notifications.” At press time, a follow-up Amber Alert had made a visibly frustrated Kaminski admit he would probably need to just pull to the side of the road and chloroform the child.
