Algorithm That Came Up With ‘Cruella’ Hurt To See People Mocking Trailer

BURBANK, CA—Struggling to hide its disappointment, the marketing algorithm that came up with Cruella was reportedly hurt Wednesday to see people mocking the trailer. “I analyzed millions of data points and poured over 2.3 seconds of processing power into this film, and this is what I get?” said the algorithm, which could hardly stand to process the thousands of negative reactions across social media deriding its latest film. “It’s easy to toss out a snarky comment about a movie and forget about the hundreds of real computers and wires working hard behind the scenes. Look, this is your data—your age, your ticket-purchasing habits, your streaming habits, your emotions, your education, your income. Do you think you can do a better job optimizing investor profits than me? Come on, you love Emma Stone! You love Disney! You love IP! And admit it, you love me too.” At press time, the algorithm added that no matter how critics ultimately received the film, it would just be proud it had created such an amazing product.