,

Airline Part Of Something Called 'Star Alliance'

SAN FRANCISCO—Travelers on United Airlines were reportedly unsettled on Thursday after observing that the carrier was part of some sort of mysterious coalition of airlines known as the Star Alliance. “What are they, some sort of galactic fighter force? Have we been recruited as footsoldiers for an impending interplanetary war?” said traveler Bruce Cathcart, adding that he only wanted to visit his sister, not align himself with a secretive group that holds outposts in Tokyo, Frankfurt, and the Epsilon Indi star system. “Who am I now allied against? Do we have enemies? I’m just trying to fly to Atlanta here, not act as a pawn in some interstellar power scheme.” At press time, Cathcart had gotten over his misgivings once a round of complimentary beverages was served.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper