Aging Stalker Not Sure How Many Good Years Of Crouching In Bushes He Has Left

ROCKFORD, IL—His joints cracking as he struggled to conceal himself amid the landscaping outside an area home, aging stalker Geoff Morton reported Monday that he wasn’t sure how many good years of crouching in bushes and peering through windows he had left. “I’d best enjoy this while I still can, because lately I get sore after just a few hours of staring between parted branches and observing someone’s every move,” Morton said from the interior of a myrtle bush, shaking a leg that had fallen asleep as he watched an unsuspecting woman who had once served him coffee undress for bed. “Back in my 20s, I could follow a woman home from the park and stay hunched over in the shadows all night, but now I barely last 10 minutes before I have to take a break and stretch my back. Not to mention I just can’t fit behind the rhododendrons as easily as I used to. I suppose it’s only a matter of time before my knees give out, I fall from a tree, and I’m caught.” Morton vowed, however, that he wasn’t going to become one of those “creeps” who installs hidden cameras and watches from home, saying he planned to spend his retirement hiding in bedroom closets and gazing at the object of his obsession as she slept.