Abortion Laws In Every State

Alabama

Basically what you already assume.

Alaska

Abortion legal up to 15 weeks after swimming up-river to spawn.

Arizona

No one who lives in Arizona is young enough to give birth.

Arkansas

Criminalized to protect the sanctity of rape.

California

Abortions can only be performed at a licensed wellness center by a trained mystic.

Colorado

Legal, both medically and recreationally.

Connecticut

Accessible because we worked too hard to get Katie into Yale.

Delaware

Whoops! Drove right past it. Might as well get an abortion in New Jersey.

Florida

Abortions are primarily carried out by the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride at Disney World.

Georgia

Woman allowed to kill fetus if done while suicide bombing Planned Parenthood.

Hawaii

Though broadly legal, it is against the law to administer abortions by throwing women into a volcano.

Idaho

Abortions are illegal unless the Great Potato gives express permission.

Illinois

Abortion is one of the few things in Illinois that actually doesn’t make sense to get done for cheaper in Indiana.

Indiana

State law requires an ultrasound to be projected on the Jumbotrons of all major sporting events before terminating the pregnancy.

Iowa

Every 30 seconds, a new law is passed attempting to ban abortion in the state.

Kansas

Mass closures of abortion clinics in this state have deprived thousands of women of not only life-saving medical care, but also one of the few things to do on the weekend here.

Kentucky

Mandatory waiting period of nine months.

Louisiana

You don’t want to know.

Maine

Abortion only allowed in severe cases where the fetus becomes overcooked and rubbery.

Maryland

Legal and free for all Congressional aides.

Massachusetts

Hey, you fucking come here and say you want to get an abortion to Massachusetts’ face, you fuckin’ prick. It’s permitted, but fuck off.

Michigan

The question of abortion is still being decided by Michigan’s top militias.

Minnesota

Abortions banned for fetuses not fully thawed.

Mississippi

Pregnant mothers must wait nine months to let the state’s shoddy healthcare system kill the baby.

Missouri

Mandatory shaming by licensed physician.

Montana

Abortion is heavily restricted, but women are welcome to release their delivered infants to roam free in Yellowstone National Park.

Nebraska

Abortions are only permitted if the patient agrees to the fetus being suspended in a jar of formaldehyde and put on display at a roadside attraction.

Nevada

Only legal in event slot machine lands on three coat hanger icons.

New Hampshire

Abortion is consistently ranked as one of the best fall activities in the state.

New Jersey

Available for fetuses who just couldn’t cut it in New York.

New Mexico

Pregnant women required to give birth to themselves during a ayahuasca trip before abortion.

New York

Legal, but it was way cooler in the ’70s.

North Carolina

State legislators were so busy trying to keep trans people out of bathrooms, they completely forgot to ban abortion.

North Dakota

Often overlooked due to its lack of remarkable features, North Dakota boasts a flourishing abortion sector, including 15,372 abortion sites and billions of pregnancies terminated per year.

Ohio

Just keep driving through the night.

Oklahoma

Although it has been struck down by the courts, the state has repeatedly tried to pass laws making abortion an act of international terrorism.

Oregon

The state allows both abortions and euthanasia, proving the argument that such laws are a slippery slope to allowing people to make their own choices.