After struggling to coalesce around a new House speaker for more than three weeks following the ouster of Kevin McCarthy, Republicans have confirmed Mike Johnson of Louisiana in the role. The Onion looks at the key moments of the GOP speakership debacle.
January 26, 1965
A baby is born so remarkably bland and uncharismatic that his parents, Roberta and Owen McCarthy, knew he was destined to be a historical footnote someday.
January 6, 2023
McCarthy wins House speaker vote the usual way: being barely elected after 15 rounds of voting thanks to shredding the last of his dignity to appease extremists.
October 3
Rep. Matt Gaetz leads group to oust McCarthy over charges that his incompetence isn’t racist enough.
October 4
Rep. Lauren Boebert gleefully begins packing McCarthy’s personal belongings in a banker’s box before being reminded that he’ll remain in Congress.
October 9
Majority of House Republicans still haven’t filled out Doodle for nomination meeting time.
October 10
Tryouts held for candidates to determine who can bang gavel the best.
October 12
Just one day after receiving nomination, Rep. Steve Scalise withdraws candidacy after not enough Republicans willing to burn crosses outside Capitol in his support.
October 13
Rep. Jim Jordan attempts to shore up candidacy by threatening to molest any Republicans who don’t support him.
October 15
A child in an adorable suit with a tiny gavel who claims to be the next speaker of the House receives 43 motions of “Aww.”
October 16
Disgusted with his party’s inability to choose a permanent replacement, Speaker Pro Tempore Patrick McHenry spins his bow tie until he ascends skyward and waves goodbye to Washington.
October 17
Obscure 19th-century law puts Capitol gift shop employee temporarily in running for role.
October 20
Despite his role in the Jan. 6 insurrection, his alleged complicity in a major sex abuse scandal, and his failure to pass any legislation while in office, Jim Jordan somehow loses speaker bid.
October 21
Restriction on congressional interbreeding lifted amid dwindling nominee pool.
October 22
TV playing 1998 film The Negotiator wheeled in to teach everyone about compromise.
October 23
Republicans running out of colleagues to humiliate.
October 24
Apparently there’s a congressman named Tom Emmer and his speaker bid is already dead.
October 25
Republicans elect Rep. Mike Johnson as speaker, finally overcoming infighting and obstruction so they can return to their important work of infighting and obstruction.
