1975: Born
1995: Sees Judge Dredd in the theaters for the third time in one week and keeps talking about what a great movie it is
1997: Befriends Ken Griffey, Jr. for the sole purpose of stealing his wife and winning the affection of Griffey’s three children
1998: Thinks two-error game is as bad as things will get
1999: Meets Jose Canseco
2000: Surprisingly, signing a $252 million dollar contract turns out to be a mistake
2001: Cuts back slightly on steroid use after hitting 934-foot home run
2003: Stops taking steroids when he realizes that this is a good time to say he stopped taking steroids
2008: Leaves the All-Star Game early to cheat on his wife and take steroids
2008: During seventh-inning stretch of critical home game, A-Rod bites into third base while Madonna fucks him from behind with strap-on dildo
2009: Decides to leave his house
