Item! Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men’s eyes for the past few years, but what would you think if I told you that her breasts had been surgically enlarged? I don’t want to delve too far into this, as this is a family column, and these are rumors that I haven’t been able to confirm just yet. Watch for more updates as this scandal develops.
Someone want to tell me what a dainty flower like Amy Fisher saw in a big ape like Joey Buttafuoco? That guy is as sensitive as a lead pipe, and about as good-looking to boot!
If you’ve got an extra $20 sitting around, you may want to open a savings account at one of America’s many fine financial institutions.
Item! Sexy sitcom vamp Ellen DeGeneres has a secret… and yours truly has the scoop! Now, keep a lid on this, but I have it on good authority that Ellen is going to have to call her sitcom Mom soon! That’s right, the Dynamic Miss D. is expecting a little one! Watch here for word on who the lucky dad is in future columns.
No word yet on the long-awaited Milo And Otis prequels, but the minute there is, you’ll hear it here first.
All of America is mourning last week’s loss of beloved national treasure Jackie Stewart. He won our hearts playing everyman senator Mr. Chips and banker George Bailey, as well as winning countless thrilling auto races. Say hello to Bob Hope when you get to heaven, Mr. Stewart.
As long as we’re on the subject of farewells, a fond goodbye to Robert Mitchum. You and your marvelous deodorant will not soon be forgotten.
What’s the deal with Prince? What is that thing he has instead of a name? That’s just not something normal people do. I mean, I’m tired of the name Jackie Harvey, but you don’t see me changing my name to the Columnist Formerly Known As Jackie Harvey, do you? Geez, my dad would throw a fit!
Jimmy Carter has truly earned his place in history as the 39th President of the United States of America.
Item! Life’s been anything but a Carnival Cruise for Kathie Lee Gifford lately, what with her child-labor scandals and her marital problems with two-timing sportscaster husband Marv Albert. But a reliable source tells me that on top of all that, Ms. Gifford has been putting on some weight. Hey, Kathie, we know you’re having some hard times, and we support you 100 percent, but you should really make sure not to let yourself go.
TV Guide recently released a list of what they consider to be the top 100 TV episodes of all time. Now, I’ve given the list a once-over, and I must say that there are a number of glaring oversights. For example, where is the Home Improvement episode where Tim Allen builds a new bedroom in the basement for his son? Outstanding! Or the Knight Rider episode where David Hasselhoff and his robot car foil the foreign drug smugglers at the pier? Packed with drama and action! Or the episode of Hooperman where John Ritter caught those crooks and made us laugh? Classic! Or the tearful series finale of The Famous Teddy Z? I’m sorry, but the TV Guide list just doesn’t stack up on the Harvey-ometer as the best of anything! Sorry, gents. Better luck next time!
Has anyone seen the new Dick Van Patten movie? I hear it’s pretty good.
Item! It looks like heartthrob hunk-tor Brad Pitt will soon be moving to Oregon with his bride-to-be Gwyneth Paltrow. Word is, the two are tired of making movies and are going to raise racehorses in the out-of-the-way state. We’ll see how long that lasts, though. Once you have Hollywood in your veins, it never leaves. I know I could never leave my life of reporting all the dishes and dirt on the Hollywood fast track. I could hardly imagine what it would be like to actually live the movie-star lifestyle, but it’s pretty exciting to watch, to say the least.
Jackie Harvey graduated from Viterbo University with a degree in English literature in 1990. After honing his writing and copy-editing skills at The Sunshine Shopper, he became The Onion’s entertainment columnist in 1994, replacing the outgoing Archie “Arch” Danielson. Currently, Harvey writes his regular column, “The Outside Scoop,” as well as his blog, “Harveywood!”
