U.S. Ambience Protection Agency Fines Restaurant For Destroying Mood With Fluorescent Lighting

NEW YORK—Upon concluding the business was in violation of the federal Chill Vibes Act, the U.S. Ambience Protection Agency issued a fine Wednesday to local restaurant Chez Bistro, which regulators said had contributed to the destruction of mood through its extensive reliance on fluorescent lights. “Chez Bistro deliberately installed these intensely bright overhead fixtures, an unlawful act that has caused extensive and perhaps irreversible damage to the ambience of a public dining establishment,” APA lawyer Lindsay Lairmore told reporters, confirming that a $5,000 penalty was imposed for the restaurant’s use of the cylindrical fluorescent bulbs, which reportedly emitted a harsh, overbearing light that cast sharp shadows and made the meals served look completely unappetizing. “This irresponsible lighting scheme, which easily adds 10 years to the faces of restaurant patrons, has completely devastated the nightlife and disrupted the mating habits of those who populate the area. Unable to attract mates in the unforgiving atmosphere, most diners have been forced to migrate to habitats where they can feel less self-conscious about their appearance.” At press time, the APA declared Chez Bistro a possible Superfund site after discovering catastrophic levels of classic-rock radio pouring in through the bathroom speakers.