More Americans Putting Off Marriage To Focus On Making Nachos In The Microwave

WASHINGTON—A new study from the Pew Research center released Thursday found that more Americans were putting off marriage in order to focus on making nachos in the microwave. “After studying thousands of couples across the country, our researchers found that younger generations are overwhelmingly deciding to postpone their nuptials in order to pile a plate high with chips, throw on some shredded cheese, and pop that bad boy in the microwave for 30 to 45 seconds,” said lead researcher Dr. Alan Jehnsen, adding that rather than rushing into marriage, Americans opted to spend the majority of their 20s and early 30s layering Tostitos with different prepackaged ingredients, experimenting with cook time, and perfecting the ratio of chip-to-salsa-to-cheese. “While it may seem odd to baby boomers, millennials overwhelmingly preferred to stand beside a microwave, watching whatever cheese they had in the fridge melt than stand beside a spouse at the altar. In fact, the pressures of adding crumbled ground beef, pickled jalapeños, chopped tomatoes, or a dollop of sour cream even led to Americans shirking the institution altogether.” At press time, Dr. Jehnsen added that Americans were also putting off having children in order to focus on boiling several hot dogs, placing them inside store-bought buns, and covering them in ketchup.