After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to “shoot my hot cum all over your big tits,” and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled “trash talk” provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.
