5,000-Foot Ball Of Discarded Packaging Material Barrels Across Nation Consuming Everything In Path

SILVER SPRING, MD—Leaving behind a devastating trail of destruction, a 5,000-foot ball of discarded packaging materials reportedly barreled across the United States Saturday consuming everything in its path. “Residents of the Midwest are advised to take shelter immediately, as an unstoppable mass of cardboard boxes, shipping tape, wrapping paper, and ribbons is currently speeding towards them,” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini of the massive ball, which had already crushed millions of homes, businesses, and cars. “While residents of Colorado and Utah only experienced earthquakes and temporary power loss, the ball could now cause untold damage, as its speed topped 100 mph across the plains of Oklahoma. Please, we urge Americans to keep their packaging supplies inside during this critical time in order to stop the ball from getting bigger.” At press time, Uccellini announced that the 360,000-ton ball had begun to dissipate once it hit the Atlantic Ocean, blanketing the entire east coast in a thick layer of wrapping paper.