38-Year-Old Man Still Careful Not To Say Anything Former Middle School Bully Would Disapprove Of

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Explaining the sound rationale behind his decision not to read in public or wear purple-colored shirts for the past quarter century of his life, local 38-year-old Lee Coffey confirmed Tuesday he was still careful not to say anything his former middle school bully would disapprove of. “I always say ‘hey’ instead of ‘hi’—I said ‘hi’ once when I was 13, and he didn’t drop it for a week,” said Coffey, who closed his blinds and turned down the volume on his TV every night so that nobody who might happen to be passing by, including Will Moyer, his former childhood tormentor who now lived over 300 miles away, would discover he was watching anime. “My real name’s Leslie, but I haven’t gone by it in over 25 years, since Will Moyer said it was a girl’s name. I also haven’t cried in that long either, not even at my dad’s funeral. That was hard to do, but you never know who might see, and then they’d call you gay! Oh God, you don’t think he’ll read this, do you?” At press time, Coffey was checking Moyer’s social media to confirm he still lived in another state.