The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend. Here are the scheduled events:
FRIDAY, May 3
12 p.m.: Welcoming introduction video from President Obama
12:30 p.m.: Security forced to hold back squealing teenage girls in attendance as Wayne LaPierre takes stage
12:35 p.m.: Quick joke about how everyone in attendance must have passed a background check to warm up the crowd
1 p.m.: Most unconscionable words you could ever imagine met with enthusiastic cheers from thousands of people
3 p.m.: Remembrance of the victims of Sandy Hook with an extended moment of loud, scrambling excuse-making
6 p.m.: Reasoned, level-headed debate on whether the Second Amendment continues to hold relevance
SATURDAY, May 4
11:40 a.m.: Man whose face and name will someday be plastered across news websites and televisions across the nation approaches convention registration table
12 p.m.: Performance of “God Bless America” using guns with variously pitched discharges
4 p.m.: The 46 senators who voted against last month’s defeated gun control bill collect their winnings
5 p.m.: One-hour triage break to treat afternoon gun wounds
6:30 p.m.: Beaten, tied-up gun control advocates Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Pat Toomey (R-PA) lowered from roof into ravenous audience
8 p.m.: NRA/anti-NRA protest groups mixer
SUNDAY, May 5
10 a.m.: Psychological counseling booths open to let gun enthusiasts talk out their deep-seated emotional problems
11 a.m.: Kids Korner workshop featuring popular Decorate Your Own Human Silhouette Target station
12 p.m.: Crowd treated to free T-shirts fired from fully automatic T-shirt cannon with high-capacity magazine
1 p.m.: Intensive five-hour town hall discussion on mental health reform
6:30 p.m.: Man who threatened to murder the President of the United States gives rousing speech to attendees
7 p.m.: Attendees leave convention knowing they have done their duty to protect the freedom of the American people
