J.K. Rowling published Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.
November 12, 1993
J.K. Rowling begins writing down the weird dreams she’s been having about living candy
April 8, 1996
After being passed over dozens of times, Rowling finally finds a publisher that isn’t too chicken to make billions of dollars and launch a cultural juggernaut
October 1, 1998:
Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone is published in the U.S. after the careful translation of dustbin to trash can, mum to mom, and tosser to motherfucker
September 19, 2002
The actor who played Hedwig in the first two films dies and producers scramble to cast a replacement
July 16, 2005
Philadelphia native Brian Slack chooses the wrong night to pick up the new Chuck Klosterman
October 20, 2007
Rowling mentions offhand during a Q&A session that Harry has not been circumcised
February 3, 2008
Harry Potter And The Undead Lair, the much-anticipated sequel to Harry Potter And The Rose Of Defeat is published on HarryPotterFanFiction.com, finally resolving a storyline about a dementor sucking off Hagrid
May 2, 2009
Leaked financials reveal that Hogwarts makes almost $90 million annually from their unpaid Quidditch program
November 19, 2010
Due to its rich plot, Warner Brothers executives decide to divide the final installment of the series into two fiscal years
July 6, 2011
14-year-old Olivia Helms tells friends that the Sorting Hat quiz put her in Gryffindor after being sorted into Slytherin
July 31, 2016
J.K. Rowling releases her first stage play, Harry Potter And The Cursed Child, as a favor to her local bookstore
June 26, 2017
Bible is still the bestselling book of all time, you fucking heathens
