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Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed

Disappointed Mob

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"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang out and drown small children." more

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    John McCain

    John McCain

    Thoughts On Torture: Doesn't support stuff he couldn't handle More Issues


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    The Legacy Of George W. Bush

    George W Bush

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    • Corrections

      Recently, The Onion incorrectly reported that a pack of wild dogs had taken over St. Louis. The Onion was too frightened to fact-check that article and apologizes for the error.

      07.26.2008

    • Real Estate

      Luxury Estate!

      Lady

      Live rent-free in this 20-room postmodern mansion brimming with amenities and unlimited alcohol. Resident required to participate in competition for the affections of MySpace star Tila Tequila.

      Reference #9832DSD

      07.26.2008

    • TV Listings

      WWE Tuesday Night Reflection

      USA

      9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT

      John Cena, Triple H, and Randy Orton are featured in this roundtable discussion as they contemplate the nature of their respective skirmishes in the previous night's Elimination Chamber round.

      07.25.2008

    • Sunday Magazine

      We Falsely Accuse Shia Lebeouf Of Statutory Rape

      More Magazines

      07.25.2008

    • TV Listings

      Live With Regis And Kelly

      ABC

      9 a.m. EDT/8 a.m. CDT

      Kelly has to cover up for Regis after he lets the n-word slip 47 times.

      07.24.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Choked Bat

      Placido Polanco Chokes Up All The Way

      07.24.2008

    • Corrections

      In a previous issue, The Onion spelled the word "possession" with two sets of double s's, which is apparently correct but just doesn't seem right. So let's go with "possesion."

      07.23.2008

    • Astrology

      0

      Your Horoscope
      July 22, 2008

      07.22.2008

    • Stockwatch

      Pfizer

      Shares jumped following the announcement that researchers had developed a drug that does nothing other than cause addiction.

      07.22.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Unemployed Bob Barker Spends Morning Watching 'Price Is Right'

      Unemployed Bob Barker Spends Morning Watching 'Price Is Right'

      07.22.2008

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Busch

      Editorial Cartoon
      July 21, 2008

      07.21.2008

    • Perry Philadelphia La Jolla

      National News Highlights

      United States Map

      Roll over locations for news

      • PERRY, FL—Residents solemnly marked the third anniversary of the tragic "Drive To Take Back The Bike Lane."
      • PHILADELPHIA—Since the beginning of last night's sexual encounter, Bruce Pierson has heard "Fuck me like a cop, not a lawyer" so many times that it's begun to lose its meaning.
      • LA JOLLA, CA7—After spending the morning counting his money, Fred Cadwell, 82, is going to eat lunch and then count it again.

      07.21.2008

    • Unsung Heroes

      Hayden

      Four- year-old Hayden Kirschner threw an unprompted tantrum in the middle of Sephora, saving his mother $35 on an eyeliner she didn't need.

      07.20.2008

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      It's about time your paper had a jingle. How about this? "Read The Onion every day!" Let me know if you want to hear the music.

      —H. Lopez, Newfolden, MN

      07.19.2008

    • Unsung Heroes

      Becky

      Becky Esch volunteered to plan the burlap olympics portion of her 20-year reunion even though she wasn't an athlete in high school.

      07.19.2008

    • Sunday Magazine

      Unsuccessful 20 Years Old You Don't Need To Be Jealous Of

      More Magazines

      07.18.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Angry Jim Leyland's Mustache Keeps Falling Off While Yelling At Team

      Angry Jim Leyland's Mustache Keeps Falling Off While Yelling At Team

      07.17.2008

    • Stockwatch

      NEWH

      Stock prices began rebounding from record lows after 150 years, as whale oil once again became an affordable energy source.

      07.15.2008

    Issue Highlights

    • Water Park Unveils New 'Ambitious River'

    • Report: Every Goddamn Light In The House On

    • Single Mother Asked Where Daddies Come From

    • McCain Loses Campaign Trail In North Dakota

    Personal of the Day